Most days my mind runs at approximately 3.2 million miles an hour. Certainly there are moments when my psyche is that of a docile house cat, but lately the full fledged cheetah has been galloping across the subsaharan trenches of my mind.
Typically there will be a series of three or four main ideas that consume me on any given day, but today I present to you the one that has been happily haunting me ever since I made the decision to return to school: doctoral specialties. I use the contradiction of "happily haunting" because I both love and fear the power and repercussions of my thoughts.
It is only natural that the question "what kind of doctor do you want to be?!" seeps into conversation about my desire to become a physician. This question is more than fair, and I have spent many a moment thinking on it. Now before you hastily retort that there is ample time to decide these details over the course of premedical training and moreover during medical school itself, please acknowledge that I fully understand this fact. This is by no means an "end all be all" decision for my medicinal future. It's just so hard to avoid thinking about.
My gut reaction when this question arises points to the realm of pediatrics. It just seems to make sense when I add up the factors like annual participation in Hope College's Dance Marathon for the DeVos Children's Hospital, working with kids at Covenant Harbor Bible Camp and Retreat Center summer after summer, and volunteering for a multitude of child centered programs for as long as I can remember, not to mention that I currently work and live on a campus of over 600 high school students.
It'd be pleasant enough if this was as far as my mind took my quandaries. Pediatrics in and of itself is a rather distinct direction, but I can't help but delve into the realm of specialties in pediatrics. This is where the thought process breaks Mach 3 and the rest of me just hangs on for the ride. It is in these moments that the idea of pediatric oncology continues to make an appearance. This recurring thought really has had me going for some time now and I hope to unpack it a bit for you.
Without going into too much detail I'll inform you that since I've been born my family has been surrounded by cancer. I've lost several family members to varying types, and have seen firsthand how hardship and hope can coexist when it comes to such a devastating disease. Having already been such a large part of my life, it makes sense why I'd want to kick such a disease in the face, and why I feel that I'd be able to present a realistic, but hopeful perspective to each patient.
In the best possible way, this thought excites me and terrifies me at the exact same moment. The best biblical example that comes to mind is that of David and Goliath. David as we know from reading in Samuel, Kings, Chronicles, and especially the Psalms was a very emotionally complex man. As the saying goes, "he was a lover not a fighter, but don't get him wrong, he was a fighter too." Knowing this complexity it is impossible for me to think that he did not feel a rush of both fear and exhilaration at the same instant as he stood before the largest Philistine soldier in recorded history. I, like David, know that God will give me the strength and bravery to accomplish what He calls me to, but that does not mean that I can or even should be without trepidation. Without the disquiet we would not be urged into action knowing the difference between utter confidence and oblivious acceptance (a concept that I dipped into in an earlier post).
Perhaps it's this dichotomy that fuels every professional physician.
In any case, this weekend I'll have the privilege of shadowing my good friend who is a nurse at the Children's Hospital of Wisconsin up in Milwaukee. In short, I'm stoked! I'm not 100% sure what I'll see or who I'll meet, but I know that I'm excited to jump at the opportunity and hopefully tell some kids really bad jokes. I'll be sure to share my experiences, but for now it is time to let my mind wander at its usual velocity. (and speaking of velocity, Physics II starts in the morning! Huzzah!)
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